I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
