You don't have asthma, your pregnant
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize