so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Then you guys just all showered together...?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
