the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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