Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I am one with the molecules
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
