Someone shit on the floor
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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