Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
