Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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