He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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