They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
