Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
