So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize