I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
