PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
