Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
