He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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