Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize