The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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