Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
