why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he fucked my hip out of place.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
