I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
