I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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