i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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