have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
