i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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