Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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