i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
