fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
