his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize