Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
