Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
