we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
