Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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