My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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