Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
