You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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