my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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