it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
