So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
