Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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