What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
