Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
