Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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