it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
