We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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