Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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