we have pet lesbian snakes
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
