I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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