ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize