I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
