My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
