no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The feeling are messing with the penis
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
