lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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