I cannot find my penis.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
