I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
