I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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