dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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