also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
