i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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