you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
